Michael Keaton: Betelgeuse

Beetlejuice

Betelgeuse

Adam: What are your qualifications?
Beetlejuice: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?

[why he can't tell Lydia his name]
Beetlejuice: Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell.

Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased...
Lydia: Are you a ghost, too?
Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe.

Beetlejuice: [Trying to get Lydia to guess his name, he makes a beetle appear] Hi! How are ya' ?
Lydia: [Gasps] Ahhhh, B-Beetle!
Beetlejuice: Ah, OK! Now, two...
Lydia: [Conjures a glass of orange juice that pours into a glass] Uhhh, Breakfast... Orange... Orange Beetle... Uh, Beetle Fruit... Beetle Breakfast... Uhhh, Beetle Drink... Uh Beetle, uhh, uhh, uhhh... Beetle Juice?
Beetlejuice: Yes! That's it!
Lydia: Your name's "Beetle Juice"?
Beetlejuice: Ahh, you said it twice. Just say it once more, come on!
Lydia: It was you, wasn't it?
Beetlejuice: What? Me?
Lydia: The snake.
Beetlejuice: No, what snake? You kids and your imaginations. Just say it!
Lydia: No... I want to talk to Barbara.
Beetlejuice: No, you don't need to talk to Barbara. JUST SAY IT!

Beetlejuice: [finishing his used-car style commercial] And remember...
[sings and hops back and forth]
Beetlejuice: I'll eat anything you want me to eat. I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow. But, come on down and I'll... chew on a dog! Arroooo!

Beetlejuice: [to Lydia, about the owner of the finger he pulled out of a wedding ring] I'm tellin' ya, honey, she meant nothin' to me. Nothin' at all!

Preacher: And you, do you, Lydia, take this man...?
Lydia: [Interrupting] No! Beetle...
Beetlejuice: [covers Lydia's mouth with his hand] She's a little bit nervous. Uh, maybe I should answer for her, okay?
[speaks in Lydia's voice]
Beetlejuice: I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You asked me, I'm answering. Yes, I love that man of mine.

Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?
Beetlejuice: [Runs off to the side mumbling to himself] Oh geez, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big decision isn't it? I mean, I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and that was it. Oh, well.
[Runs back to the altar and stands next to Lydia]
Beetlejuice: Sure, yeah. Go ahead.

[last lines]
[in the waiting room, Betelgeuse is sitting next to a witch doctor who is next in line]
Beetlejuice: Pardon me. Did you do that?
[points to an explorer with a shrunken head]
Beetlejuice: That's very nice work. Let me ask you something. How do you get them so sma...? Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King!
[as the doctor looks away, Betelgeuse switches numbers]
Beetlejuice: Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half. Yeah, they've been after me for months. Doin' some underwear deal. I don't know what...
[the witch doctor sprinkles some powder on Betelgeuse's head which starts it shrinking]
Beetlejuice: [voice getting higher as head gets smaller] Whoa, hey! What are you doing? Hey, stop it! Hey, you're messing up my hair! C'mon! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! Whoa! Hey, this might be a good look for me.

Beetlejuice: I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?
[hands Barbara a rat]
Barbara: Whoa! AHH!
Beetlejuice: There. There ya go.
Adam: You don't have to kill anybody!
Beetlejuice: Ah, possession! Good.
Barbara: [In Betelgeuse's voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!

Beetlejuice: I'm just doin' my job. Besides, I thought we had a deal! Hey, it's OK. You know why? I don't wanna do business with you deadbeats anyway. The only one I think I can deal with is Edgar Allan Poe's daughter. I think she understands me.

Beetlejuice: These aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules.

Beetlejuice: You know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, because I got to tell you, this dead thing... it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem. I got these friends I said I'd meet, and it's the kind of thing where I have to be there in person, so could you help me get out of here?
Lydia: I want to get in.
Beetlejuice: Why?... You know, hey, you probably got your reasons. I can't do anything from here. If you could get me out, then maybe we could talk or something.

Beetlejuice: [as Otho tries to escape] Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs!
[he dresses Otho up in horrible, conventional clothes]